As you may have read in this post, life has been somewhat consumed by mortgages and paper work and grown up stuff that no one prepares you for when you’re a kid. I’m tired, more stressed than ever and yet instead of being kind to myself I seem to have decided that I’m not good enough, that I don’t run my businesses well or prioritise my wedding photography as much as I should do. Why do I do this to myself at such a stressful time? Why now, when really the most important thing is for me to focus on getting the house and planning a move?
I always say that my cleaning business sort of runs itself and that I don’t have to do much in the way of gaining clients and for the most part, this is true. But lately there’s been a huge turnover in clients; people wanting more hours, people needing fewer hours, new clients needing space during an already busy week. And yet here I am putting extra pressure on myself by looking at my photography business and worrying it’s not good enough. I spent a lot of time last week looking at other people’s websites and comparing them to my own, making myself feel even more stressed and under pressure than I already do, which is actually crazy if you think about it, not to mention very time consuming. By the time Friday came I was so ready for a full 4 days off. I can’t remember the last time I took this many days off from work and it has been exactly what I need to recharge my batteries.
Not sure if you’ve noticed but I am the type of person who focuses on more than one thing at a time, meaning nothing ever really gets my full attention. I’m not proud of this and it sometimes leaves me feeling like I don’t have a purpose in life, as if I have no idea what I’m meant to be doing and what to prioritise. There are days when I wake up feeling so motivated to blog, there are other times when I feel like I should strive toward being a full-time photographer. But then deep down somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I know being a full-time photographer isn’t for me. I don’t want to work nearly every weekend shooting weddings, which is why I limit myself to 10 per year. I also have days where I feel the need to grow my cleaning business and employ people to help take the workload off me, after all, how long can I realistically do a physically demanding job like this?
I guess you could say I’m a Jack of all trades, master of none but I can’t help it, I genuinely have no idea what it is that lights the fire in my belly. I’ve listened to too many people tell me we should all have a purpose in life but if I’m honest, I don’t really know if this is true. Some people don’t like doing just one thing and maybe I am one of them. Or maybe I’m just lost.
Last week was a particularly bad week. I couldn’t switch off and rid the feeling of guilt for not being the best version of myself, for not booking more weddings, for not reading enough books, for not making more money so that we didn’t have to do one of the government schemes to buy a house. I spend far too much time alone getting caught up in the chatter of my own thoughts and sometimes I can talk myself into believing I am on the totally wrong path in life.
I watched this amazing video on Facebook the other day, which I shared on my blog page. It was basically about happiness and how you see the events of your life. It talked about expectations and how we confuse happiness with fun and I was shocked at how much it resonated with me.
I do this a lot. I’m always searching for ways to have more fun just so I don’t have to listen to the voices in my own head that tell me I’m not good enough. Because it is very rare that I have the feeling of contentment, the feeling of being completely happy with how my life is and the choices I’ve made. Obviously I do get days where I am happy and life seems calm, but they don’t last long and I’ll look for ways to make things better and generally I’ll do this by cramming as much in as possible, which is why I then get feelings of self-doubt and anxiety. Honestly it’s exhausting.
I feel like I’ve lost the focus of this blog post and I’ve just rambled on for the last 5 minutes. It genuinely wasn’t meant to be a negative post at all, God knows you guys have put up with enough of those! I guess this post is more for my own benefit– to remind myself that I can’t do it all at once and that sometimes I need to cut myself some slack and remember that I’m just doing the best I can. I need to stop putting myself down and making myself feel bad about all the things I cannot change, about past decisions I no longer have control over. I need to remind myself that life is what you make of it, I am where I am today because of me and I have so, so many things to be grateful for.
I need to let go. Let go of all the things that do not benefit my life– the comparisons, the guilt, the constant need to be the best. I need to let go of it all and start living my life.
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