Other potential titles:
What the fuck are we doing?
Shit scared and out of my depth.
The end of our lives as we know it.
Oh hey there guys! It’s been a while I know but as you may have guessed from the title of this post there’s been a lot going on lately. And by a lot I mean we are pregnant! Well I am, not Rich but people generally use the term ‘we’ don’t they?
Yesterday I attempted a spin class and made it to 30 minutes before finally giving up and accepting I couldn’t physically find the energy this early on in my pregnancy to workout like I did a few months ago. Never again will I think pregnant women are over reacting when they talk about how tired they are during their first trimester. I feel it, I really, really do.
I won’t lie, it’s not the best timing seeing as we are still waiting to exchange on our house but you know, is there ever a good time to have a baby? Technically we weren’t planning a family at this point in our lives but we also weren’t preventing it. So many people say they get pregnant by accident or that they had sex this one time and BOOM they got pregnant. But it wasn’t happening for us and I started to think I was infertile. I know, that’s a tad rash seeing as we weren’t really trying to conceive but when you hit your 30’s something changes. You read about fertility levels lowering for women over the age of 30 and it being harder to fall pregnant and you just go into panic that your body will somehow fail you.
I must admit, I was really looking forward to moving into our new home and spending all summer in our garden, drinking cold cider and sunning myself but that is now a distant dream. LOL. And I’m really scared if I’m honest. I’m worried about money which is such a stupid thing to worry about but I need to be working full-time to be able to afford the house and we can’t live off Rich’s wage alone, and OMG why didn’t I think of this before?! So if anyone has any bright ideas on how we can do this, please leave a comment below. So far I’ve come up with: working till I pop and taking a newborn to work with me, or winning the lottery. Both are ridiculous ideas.
For a while it was in the back of mind I was pregnant but it wasn’t till last weekend went by without any sign of my period that I started to feel concerned. The night before the big reveal I sat in the late evening sun in our garden drinking the last of a bottle of red wondering if there was, in fact, a life growing inside me. I know I shouldn’t have drunk the wine but come on, cut a girl some slack, I’ve got 8 months of no alcohol ahead of me and I needed to say goodbye. Not only that but my nerves were driving me mad.
When I woke the next morning it was 5:30am and I instantly felt a wave of anxiety wash over me. I also realized I’d left my wallet at the gym so I had no money to buy a pregnancy test. By the time the shops opened Rich had already left for work and we had no spare cash in the house except for my little money-box I was given for Christmas. You know the ones you have to smash to get the money out? Well I didn’t want to smash it as there was hardly anything in it anyway and it’s really pretty so I got some tweezers and managed to pry a tenner out! Result.
Off to Tesco one stop I went. Who knew they even sold pregnancy tests in there?!
The scene from Juno where she walks into the shop to buy another test flashed through my mind as I grabbed a clear blue pregnancy test off the shelf. I contemplated going to the cashier and trying to make a joke about it being Monday or something equally as lame but he didn’t look like the kinda guy who would find that remotely funny so I chose the self-service till and prayed it wouldn’t tell me ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ because I really didn’t want to draw attention to myself.
When I got home I read the instructions at least 5 times to make sure I got it right. We’ve all seen my cooking skills and know reading instructions/directions isn’t my strong point but this isn’t something you can afford to get wrong, although it’s not exactly rocket science let’s face it. Once the test was done I left it in the bathroom and paced around upstairs putting washing away and finding stuff to tidy because I didn’t want to look at the result. I knew deep down what I wanted it to say as I’d spent the last 6 days secretly excited about the fact my period was nowhere to be seen but still, I’d never felt so sick in all my life. After 2 minutes I finally looked. There was no mistake, I was pregnant.
I did that thing I thought I’d never do. My hand flew up to my mouth and my body became overwhelmed with happiness. So much so, I found myself sobbing like a child on the bathroom floor whilst double checking I had read the results right and saying “fuck” more times than I probably should have.
I’d been chatting to two very close friends about taking the test and the last thing they said in our group was, “Let us know asap”, but I couldn’t tell them before I told Rich so I decided to move some clients around and go straight to Rich. His words were “WOW” when I told him but the fact he didn’t leave the country straight after makes me think he’s okay with the situation. I then spent the afternoon googling random shit like: Can you sunbathe whilst pregnant? Is it okay to weight train whilst pregnant? And, can you still use fake tan? LOL. Priorities right there.
We had an early scan this morning because last week I had some sharp pains and some bleeding, which resulted in us spending most of Friday night in A&E. By 2am I was ready to pull my hair out. I’ve had enough blood tests taken to last a year and they did an internal examination, which as you can imagine was super fun for all parties involved. I know we aren’t ‘meant’ to announce this until I am 12 weeks but the way I see it, if something goes wrong I’ll probably write about it anyway so I figured now is as good a time as any.
Since finding out I’ve gone through all the emotions. I had a couple of really down days where I worried myself sick about how we will cope and also if I’m even ready for this. I mean, I still have so much I want to do, to see, to experience and pregnancy feels like it’s the end of all those dreams, as if somehow I am now a different person, one whose life will now be on hold for the next few years. I know, I hear you, this is all I’ve wanted for a long time but I think I’m allowed to freak out and feel terrified because having a baby is a massive thing! Like the biggest thing we will ever do together.
I guess this post is not only to let you know the biggest news of my life but to also let you know there will obviously be some changes here on this blog. I still want to write about fitness as I am making damn sure I continue with my training over the next 8 months but I also will be focusing heavily on this pregnancy and the baby.
So stick around, and welcome to the next chapter of our lives.
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