Like I said in my previous post, since finding out we’re having a baby my emotions have been all over the place. At times I’m over the moon about it but it’s hard to feel excited when I have so many fears. I don’t want this post to come across as me being ungrateful for getting pregnant, I think it’s completely natural for a woman to feel these things when she is pregnant with her first child. I wish I could tell you I wasn’t scared but that would be a lie.
Before I got pregnant I thought I was ready to be a Mum. I’ve changed more nappies than I can count, I’ve held enough newborns to feel completely comfortable with them and I even worked on a shoot as a photographer with a baby strapped to me for most of the day. That last one was actually pretty tough!
Because my pregnancy is still so early, it wasn’t that long ago I was day dreaming about how natural it would be for me to have a baby, after all, look at the experience I’ve already had with my nephews and my friends children– I’ll breeze through it.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Nothing could prepare me for this feeling I have now. It’s lingering inside me and grasping at my chest when I’m in bed at night. The absolute fear that my entire life will never be the same again and that my life is now split into two separate parts: my pre pregnancy life and well, now. I honestly feel like over night I’ve gone from being a carefree (LOL, not sure I was ever carefree, hence this rambling blog) individual who’s biggest worry was how many followers she had on Instagram, to this person who is now growing another human being inside her. That is a massive, huge shock to the system and no matter how much I thought I was ready, I have so many fears for this next stage in our lives.
Losing my identity
All but one of my friends have children, my sister has 2 boys and most the friends I have on Facebook have kids. And in some ways this is really good for me because it means I have an endless number of people to turn to for advice about bringing a newborn into the world. But this also comes with a few downsides. I get to hear all about the hard times, the exhaustion, and the arguments. I keep hearing people talk about how having a baby changes you as a person, you’re no longer the same as you were before and this scares the shit out of me. I like being selfish and not having to think of anyone but myself and my dog and I don’t know if I’m ready to take care of another human being. Of course, you could argue that none of us are ever really ready to give up being selfish and that there may never be the perfect time for motherhood.
On the plus side, I do sometimes feel like I need to change and maybe having a baby will help me see that there’s more to life than toned limbs and Instagram followers. Amen to that.
Drifting away from Rich.
Since I told Rich I’m pregnant I feel a massive shift in our relationship. It feels like we’ve become closer and happier, after all, the baby isn’t here yet so we are only imagining all the good things that are to come. I keep picturing a lazy Sunday morning, the three of us in bed and the dog at our feet. Rich and I can’t stop looking at the sleeping bundle of joy we created lying between us. The sun is streaming through the window, filling the room with beautiful white light and we are a perfect little family. I know it won’t be like this but please don’t burst my bubble.
I was shooting a wedding recently and whilst I was there, I got chatting to a friend and a few of her friends about having kids. I was thrown into a conversation which I probably could have done without seeing as I’m already worried sick about my life changing. They were telling me all the bad things about their relationships since having a baby and how they argue over the smallest of things because, hello, extreme exhaustion and a screaming newborn. It was bad, like really, really bad and I just sat there thinking, shit, what the hell are we doing? I never have to remind Rich to feed the dog, to do the washing up, to put the washing on or hang it out to dry. He just does all those things because they need doing. And lately I’ve been doing a lot more lying around feeling sick or tired and Rich has been amazing. I don’t want to lose this, I don’t want to argue over stupid things because none of us are getting the sleep we need. I’m determined not to lose what we have and to remind myself that we are Team R who are in this together.
Ruining my body
I know, this one shouldn’t even be an issue but yet here we are. In the world of social media it seems getting your pre-baby body back is actually really easy, but in the real world many women are telling me I need to get used to some changes– some of which may be permanent. I’ve read/heard that your body never really goes back to the way it was before although I have a good handful of friends who look smaller now than they did before they even had a baby. So I guess everyone is different and like with any weight loss it will once again be down to how much I eat during and after this pregnancy. How am I doing so far? Well, I’m currently sitting in bed after a Maccy D dinner eating a mars bar, so you could say I’m on track to being huge! LOL. I’ve gained 3 pounds in 7 weeks which isn’t bad at all, however, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin it’s crazy. Being pregnant is already making me appreciate that I wasn’t in bad shape at all a few months ago!
This one goes without saying– of course I’m going to be restricted once the baby comes but if one more person tells me to enjoy my freedom whilst I still can, I swear to God I’m gonna lose my cool. I do not need to be reminded of the fact I won’t be able to do some of the things I do now. Just leaving the house will become a mission in itself and ‘popping’ anywhere will no longer be a thing. I’ve always been one of those people who likes to take my dog on long walks where I can explore and get lost for hours without worrying about a thing. I relish in my own company and enjoy doing things alone so the thought of having another human being with me constantly is slightly unnerving. I know I’ll get used to it, just like all the Mums before me and once my baby is here all my fears will drift away and I’ll feel nothing but love. And extreme exhaustion!
I did speak to a friend the other day who said having a dog really prepared him for fatherhood and that I should take to it like a duck to water after having Sid all these years. Let’s hope he’s right eh?
Did you have any fears in the early stages of your pregnancy? I’d love to hear I’m not the only one who feels totally unprepared for motherhood! Leave a comment below and let me know.
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