It’s 8pm on a Monday evening, I’ve been sat in front of my Mac screen for almost 4 hours and guess what? I’ve managed to get absolutely nothing done.
Basically, I’ve wasted a ridiculous number of hours battling with a video I put together of Rich and I out dog walking yesterday. It was meant to be fun and quick but it seems to have taken over my life and stressed me out to the point I HAD to take a break by going out for dinner, which always results in me drinking wine– today being no exception. So now, not only am I slightly pissed off at the fact I’ve wasted an afternoon doing sod all, I’ve also failed my ‘no alcohol on Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday’ rule. (Dry January was never gonna happen guys let’s face it.)
Thanks Monday. Thanks a lot.
It’s not often I sit here and write frantically like this– generally most of my posts are well thought through, planned out and proof read by Rich. Ha, not this one though! So yeah, apologies in advance for the fact I’m pretty much just having a moan today.
Maybe I should give myself a pat on the back (or another glass of wine) and congratulate myself that it’s taken a whole 11 days of a new year for these feelings to kick in. Honestly? I didn’t think they would do– I thought I had lost them forever– but alas, they have returned to accompany me once again on my journey through life. Joy.
What feelings am I talking about? The feeling of self-doubt; of worry and anxiety over things, which quite frankly, probably don’t even matter. The feeling of WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE AND HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE ME TO FIND OUT?!
When I woke up this morning I felt fine. I was running late but that’s just a normal day for me. I still think I’m 21 and I can jump out of bed last-minute, rocking bed hair and make-up free skin. My face when I finally look into the mirror is a picture. Thoughts such as, ‘Hell no, you cannot go outside looking like this’, and ‘Fuck my life, why am I getting older? I can’t even use children as an excuse for this face’.
Then came the news of David Bowie and although I’m not a huge fan, I can appreciate he was a legend, so yeah, that made me feel all the feels. Actually, I felt more concerned for a close friend of mine as she hasn’t been able to stop crying all day. Ashley: You know where I am if you need a hug or want to watch The Labyrinth for the 100th time. Just saying.
I didn’t make it through a full days work– the beauty of being your own boss is that you don’t have to go to work if you don’t want to. (I know, I know– bills and other grown up stuff. Blah blah blah.) I just wasn’t really feeling it and that’s when I knew. I tried my hardest to push it away– to think about something else and carry on living in my little bubble the way I have been doing (extremely well) for the last 10 days. But my trusty bubble has burst and the feeling Will. Not. Shift.
I decided a while back to concentrate more on things that truly make me happy and do less of the things that stress me out– smart choice right? Which is when I made the decision to take on less wedding photography bookings than originally planned this year. Not because I hate it or anything, but because I want this year to be filled with fun weekends away, holidays and all the other adventures you can only really do at weekends. Anyway, to cut a long rant short, I voiced this out loud to Rich today for the first time and his reply is what has caused this tight chest feeling I thought I’d safely waved farewell to in 2015.
He asked me what I would do as a career if I didn’t become a full-time wedding photographer. My reaction was very similar to this:
Oh no he didn’t girlfriend.
Oh yes he did. He totally went there and made me think about all the things which held me back from living my life to the fullest last year. I mean, it’s a good point and all, but when I don’t know the answer to questions that happen to involve my future, I tend to break out in cold sweats. I lose sleep, I focus too much on the negative things, I send all the wrong signals to the Universe and end up attracting bad stuff. Don’t make me go back there please!
So yeah, that’s where my head is at today and it’s annoying me as I don’t know how to fix it without getting drunk so I’m sharing a video instead and hoping when I wake up tomorrow, it will have a million hits & I will live off the royalties (or however Youtube works), thus not having to care about my future anymore. What a plan!
In reality, I can only hope I will wake up tomorrow feeling better than today.
I won’t lie to you, this whole vlogging, making cute videos thing is flippin hard. And if the link to my new YouTube channel doesn’t work, please don’t be surprised.
What’s this video got to do with this post? Nothing, but enjoy anyway!